It's a crisp Saturday morning and I have a grande Chai Tea Latte to my left and the whole day ahead of me.  I'm doing a bit of this and a bit of that and hoping that I will make a decent dent in each thing I'm trying to tackle at the moment.  And writing is one thing that is a gift to my heart.  I wrote and published my last post and didn't make it known that I had done so and there is something that is actually a bit freeing to know that I'm not writing for any other reason other than just giving myself an opportunity to bring to the surface the musings of my heart and soul.  

It's interesting whenI think of publishing my thoughts and feelings.  Not too long, I didn't think much of posting things.  I would write from my heart... and publish.  And that was that.  Somehow, I am realizing that words stick around for a whole lot of time and I find myself more in tune to being careful of what I post.  Since I really posted anything significant, so much has changed in my life.  I am now living back in the Sates, back to working full time in the hospital (which I love, by the way), and continuing to navigate this thing we call life.  

I was telling a friend yesterday that I feel like a butterfly not yet flapping its wings, but emerging from a season of intense pressure, pain, and growth.  My wings are still wet, but they are drying off... and I am aware that I am definitely not the same person I was... nor will I ever be the same.  

These months, these years, these chapters have forever changed who I am.  

Im a pretty honest soul.  Sometimes too honest.  

There are many days... way more than I would like to acknowledge that I wish my life looked different.  

I wish I wasn't walking so much of this life horizontally alone. I wish I had a partner in this thing called life.  I wish that I was more beautiful, more desirable, more something.  

I wish I had a man next to me. with me.  leading.  being.  laughing.  conversing.  And all the things that go along with being with someone.  

More to say... but my fingers and heart are just warming up. 

It will take time.  But my heart will find its voice. 

It is good to be back

How can it be well over two years since my fingers found the keyboard and this blog and words found their way on to this page?  It's been so long that my computer no longer recognized the address.  I had to type it in and allow it to load.  Trusting that the correct page appeared.  And there.... what met me was the sweet face of little Grace.  It's been well over 2 years since she breathed her last on this earth and welcomed into the sweetness of all things Heavenly.  I wonder how her momma is doing.. and sweet grandma.  Those two ladies taught me so much as I watched them love on their little one,  I'll never forget how just before Grace breathed her last, her momma and grandma somehow knew her departure was imminent.  Before the roosters attempted to call in the morning and the sun started its climb over the horizon, these two lades got up and went into the bathroom and got ready for the day.  The returned and quietly started singing.  Quietly at first... and then just a bit louder with a growing resolve.  Grace was slipping away and they were allowing their steady songs of worship to nudge her to the inevitable.  And in the safety of their voices, sweet Grace breathed her last.  

I can close my eyes now and hear it.  I can feel the burn on my throat as I remember.  The smells, the sounds, the feelings... so much of that season of life remembered.  

And so much has happened in the last two plus years.  

Life looks so different.  Because it is.  

I've been so quiet. And I still may be.  But... or maybe better said... And.... what I do know is that it's time to allow my heart to stretch out the muscles and tendons of my fingers.  I'm sure my words will be rusty here initially. Shoot, maybe always.  But as the pages of the imaginary calendar flipped over to 2025, I had a deeper sense that I wanted to allow myself to write.  To see where it goes...or doesn't.  

My personal goal is to bring my fingers to this blog 26 times in this coming year.  We shall see how it grows, how it morphs, what becomes of it.  As they say in Uganda, "Tu Ja Ku Laba" we will see... 

Today, I simply stretch my fingers and breathe in and let my heart do its thing. 

It's good to be back.

Kimmy