I've been waiting for the moment when the words will flow naturally from deep within.
When my heart and my words will melt together and an articulate blog post will emerge. It hasn't happened. I've done what I have done so many times in recent years. Written a few words. Stared at them. And then deleted them once again.
Almost two weeks ago, I sat down and drafted out a letter A letter that did seem to come to life. Before I really knew it, I was bringing it to a close. There was a level of cohesiveness and a flow that offered a glimpse into my heart and a reality of steps going forward.
THIS, somehow, feels more challenging. Bringing words to a public arena.
Maybe because the public arena is exactly that. Public. Out there. Permanent.
In the beginning of February, while in England on a long layover, I received a message with a question. It was a big question. One that stopped me in my tracks and left my heart beating faster than it should have considering I was simply sitting on a bus.
When my sister passed away, she left behind 3 children.
The message/question on my phone?
The oldest needed a home. Needed a family.
Would I take him?
Would I take him?
And thus began the journey that undoubtably comes with such a big question.
And that is a big reason why I became quiet on social media.
Why I became quiet in many arenas.
Why I was thankful for long car drives and opportunities to journal and pray.
My heart screamed yes.
But, I knew I couldn't make an emotional decision.
I had to make a decision that was stamped by Jesus Himself.
The days back in the States have been FULL of pondering, praying, chatting with friends, processing, processing more and figuring out details.
Overall, God has FLOODED me with an immense peace.
One that is confirmation in and of itself that He is leading.
I've heard His whisper and I've experienced His peace.
I've also been reminded of how crucial it will be to LEAN fully into Jesus.
My times with Him needs to be full of all that He has to offer.
My life is going to look very different.
The letter I mentioned in the beginning of this blog? That was my resignation letter.
In some ways, it feels like I am walking through a thicket of trees. Or if my computer has it's way with autocorrect, a thicket of tweets.
So many things that are squeezing my heart. I Sorta of feel like a ripe avocado.
I'm being squeezed from so many sides.
A goodbye to a life I loved in Uganda.
A move from one side of the ocean to another.
Continued steps through grief.
a processing of hard realities seen.
To preparing to work stateside.
And preparing to be a parent.
To a little guy needing lots of sweetness.
And so that is my big news.
God has shifted the trajectory of my life.
And the life of a little guy.
I don't know all that God has for me. He has flooded me with peace and He has also shown me that I can't take my eyes off of him. If I do, then this all become VERY overwhelming.
Just the emotions of all these changes can leave me feeling overwhelmed.
Let alone, when I fail to cling to Him and trust His presence in THIS journey.
Way back in the day, as the Israelites left the the bounds of slavery and wandered the desert for 40 years en-route (a long en-route) to the Promised land, God provided them with Manna. It was a miraculously supplied food that came in the night and was picked up by the Israelites before sunrise. It was a direct reminder to them of God's provision and it was nourishment that sustained them. It also required them to get up before sunrise to gather the given substance.
This is a season of manna for me. I'm walking from one land to another.... literally. Change of all types is not only on the horizon, but in the current. And God is there for me. He will provide the manna that I need. And there aren't a lot of stipulations on it. But one of the big ones is that I have to get up and get it.
And so if there was one thing I would ask of you all... is that you would pray that I would lean into God like I have never done so before. That I would be filled by His manna. And His manna alone.
This is NOT the end to this blog. My adventures will undoubtably look different. But I am confident that my fingers will still find there way to this page. Writing is a balm to my heart. A way to express the inwards of my heart. A place to reflect and see how God works and how He remains constant even in our rawness. Even in the squeezing of life.
I'll be heading back to Uganda for about 2 weeks in May. It will be at time to say goodbye (see you later) to friends there.
I am aiming to get a newsletter out this week to many of you.
Till my fingers find this keyboard again.