For the last couple of weeks, I have been getting online and trying to write.
The words haven't come. It's been a lot of typing and a whole lot more deleting.
In the end, I would just stop. Determined that the next day I would write.
And multiple times, I would try to write.
And each time, my fingers and soul were stumped. And I would stop.
Today, was a hard day.
A cry at the red lights kind of hard.
I know a lot has been going on in my life these last few weeks.
And a lot going on in others around me.
This afternoon, halfway around the world from where I am today, a little girl was laid to rest.
I got that news yesterday as I was chatting with a friend online.
She had been sick for a handful of weeks and last night Jesus called her home.
I am quite confident that today she is doing something that she was never able to do here on earth.
I am very sure that she is moving her legs freely... running and dancing freely.
The day before that I chatted with Ketty. A friend who has become a very dear friend to me.
We had a candid conversation. The reality is that she is struggling physically again.
We don't have all the details yet. Just bits and pieces. Hints that things are not right.
It was so good to talk with her. To share. To laugh. And to speak out the sweetness of our God.
She may have started out as a patient, but over the months of this last year... she has become a dear, dear friend.
we chatted. we laughed. And in the end, we said goodbye.
In faith, I will see her again. Where that is, I do not know.
And that's where my own journey intercepts.
This afternoon I sat at a Starbuck's with a pen in one hand and a tea within grasp of my other.
I didn't bring any technology with me. It was me and my Jesus. I sat. And I journaled. And I sipped my tea. It was needed. It was necessary. It was.... well, it was life-giving.
There is something about being honest down to the core of your soul.
Not too long before my time at Starbuck's I poured out my heart to Jesus with a friend.
My own heart is on a journey.
Aren't we all?
These last few months have been a mixture of lots. lots of time to be and to interact. lots of time to share about life in Uganda and time to share in life here. lots of time to laugh, listen, and learn. There have been moments of pause and moments of activity... and through them all, I would say that it has consistently been RICH and FULL.
And tucked into it all has been the reality of facing my own health issues.
And realizing my own need to trust Him more fully in the journey.
It's not every day that you go to the doctor asking for a blood level and are told that what you have is more serious than you or anyone knew it to be. And when that happens, the world does in fact seem to slow down a bit. And your mortality seems to look back at you in a potentially daunting manner. You either stare back or turn away. Neither are good options, but somehow both seem to be a necessary part of the process. And when you've tried both and realize that neither do you any good... you have an option. To grab the hand of the One who created you and walk hand in hand as He leads you to the next step.
And well, that is where I am. I think I was trying to lean up against Him. I wasn't sure on how to move forward. And even if I wanted to reach up and hold His hand in the process, I couldn't. Because I was holding on to fear, pride, and fleshly frustration.
And today, as I poured out my heart to Him... well, He met me.
And I am so thankful.
I can't get over how relentlessly He pursues me.
He keeps pursuing me. And pursuing me. And pursuing me.
So, with my hand in His...I keep walking.
I am needing to see a specialist who will be able to give me the information that I need to be able to understand more fully what is going on with me. Will you join me in praying for the details for the appointment? For peace for my soul as I trust Him with the timing?
An April 30th departure would be grand.... but as of right now that's not confirmed.
I don't know. But, He does.
Tonight was the night I was supposed to write. The words have flowed from within.
I am thankful for that. You all are a gift to me and while my natural tendency would be to be
quiet about this area of my life, I know that sharing this part of my journey is important and good.
I'll keep you all posted as I know.