Saturday, February 14, 2015

Hoping to FULLY hope

words.  thoughts.  feelings.  transitions.  movement.  upgrades.  lost luggage.  reuniting.  unexpected. laughter.  carpet.  tears.  coldness.  fires.  other side of the road driving.  hugs.  boots.  missing.  internet.  realizing.   The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  "The Lord is my portion." says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."thinking.  more thinking.  shopping.  remembering.  being.  sleeping.  staying awake.  choosing.  processing. seeing.  connecting.  listening.  sharing.  realizing more.  living.  mourning.  remembering. living. laughing some more.  
Lamentations 3: 22-24


It may be a four letter word, but in my humble opinion, it is a word that is both fragile and polar.  

It shouldn't be.  But it often feels that way.  

It's a word that has recently been put under the microscope... my microscope.  A word that I have used a thousand times in my life is now said with careful thought.  And more often than before, I pause and hesitate to use it.  

I am on the journey of understanding hope and learning how to understand it more thoroughly... more deeply...

It's something I thought I understood.  And in many areas of my life, I feel like I have understood it.  It feesl like it has flowed naturally out of my mouth.  And yet in a moment, I realized that while there was a freedom with the word and a level of understanding.    In reality, it lacked deeper understanding.. it lacked consistency... it lacked something... something I haven't quite put my finger on.  



The words to the verse floated through my mind in a well known tune a bit over a month ago.  

A few days later, I wrote the words on the front page of my journal.  

I thought the words had more to do with his mercies being new each morning.  I had no idea.  

2014 was a full year.  It was good.  hard. stretching. full.  adventurous.  

There was lots of hope with others.

and it was all an honor.  It was all good... true statement from the pit of my soul.  

Hope.  Something worth clinging to yet at the same time hold on loosely too.  Hope.  To be honest, I don't know how well it stands independent on its own.  It strikes me as a very dependent word.  dependent on emotions.  dependent on circumstances.  dependent on wishes and desires.  


and yet I wonder... should it be independent?  Independent of emotions.  Independent of circumstances.  Independent of wishes and desires.  


Several weeks back, a friend said something to me.  A belief that she had of me and my future.  She spoke the words and as they made the vertical drop from my ears to my heart, I felt myself tighten.  The buffer of hope that I thought was there...wasn't.  In that moment, I realized that somehow, somewhere hope had made it exit.  

I am not talking about all hope in my life..... I am talking about hope in one area of my life.

Maybe we all have an area that struggles to trust.... to hope.... to assume the best....

I know I do.  An area where I choose each moment if I will stand.  Stand in truth.  Stand in faith.  And more recently, figuring out how to stand in hope.

Do I stand in something.  I hope this will happen or that will happen? Or is the standing in something deeper... something more solid, more promising, more assured?

I've been thinking and processing.

That passage in Lamentations that floated through my mind hours before I left New Hope... still goes through my mind.  It was a catalyst for a deeper search.   The words in verse 24 resound in my mind and in my heart.

"therefore I will hope in him."

therefore, I will hope in Him.  in Him.

He is the mediator between my desires and my reality.
My wants and my needs.

I hope in Him to provide me with everything I need.  Everything that is and everything that was.

The journey continues.  I want to understand hope more.  To know what it means to FULLY cling to HIM in hope.  To hope with expectancy.  to hope with trust.

I want those words to flow out of my mouth naturally again.  Naturally because I understand His character a bit more.

 Today, I cling to Him and trust that He will show me how to hope in Him in ALL areas of life.

I continue the journey of understanding Him more and more.

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